“We All Have a Threshold and When that Threshold is Crossed, Problems Turn Into Illness.”


Yunkie* may have left the Charedi community three years ago, but he still gets triggered unexpectedly. “Hearing someone speak in a Rabbinic style or “learning way” immediately takes me back there. Sometimes, I’ll even watch movies and find myself feeling panicky. Fiddler on the Roof, Unorthodox… anything religious, anything that reminds me of the past. Religious imagery is especially powerful. It’s in my head all the time.”

Now 23, he is still dealing with mental health issues both from his time growing up in the community and from the challenges of integrating into the outside world. And he’s far from alone. Research shows that people who have gone ‘off the derech’ – left the insular Charedi world – experience significantly higher rates of psychological distress than the general population. Often feeling trapped between two worlds, and lacking support structures, they are far more likely to experience depression, anxiety and Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Around a third report suicidal thoughts – substantially higher than national averages – and some end up using drugs, self-harming or engaging in other risky behaviours in order to cope with stress.

As a result of lack of education and/or literacy, and their sheltered upbringing, they also struggle to access mental health services, or even to recognise that they’re suffering from mental health problems. Even when they do seek help, clinicians and therapists may not understand the trauma of leaving Charedi life, or have the cultural sensitivity required to deal with it.

We offer those who need it access to qualified counsellors and therapists.

It is for all these reasons that providing mental health support is an important part of what GesherEU provides to our members. We offer those who need it access to qualified counsellors and therapists.

Clare Rose is one of our volunteer counsellors. A qualified CBT therapist, who works for the NHS, she stumbled across the GesherEU website and realised she had skills that would be valuable to our members.

She says she sees a lot of anxiety and uncertainty, mainly as a result of the disappearance of a structure to life, and the loss of family and friends, who have been left behind in the community, and who may no longer speak to them. “Life is inherently uncertain,” she says. “There are very few answers, and that’s quite hard to tolerate for people.”

For some, this stress can develop into mental illness. “Mental health problems are the manifestation of us having an accumulation of difficulties in our lives,” she explains. “We all have a threshold and when that threshold is crossed, problems turn into illness.”

What that illness looks like varies from person to person. “You could have two people who go through really very similar things. One of them will develop an anxiety disorder and the other will develop more of a depressive disorder.”

She says many people who leave the Charedi community go through feelings of bereavement and grieve for their former life and the people they’ve left behind. “It’s a profound loss and it take time to come to terms with that.

“Family is one of the bigger issues. The distress runs deep because of dependency formed in childhood. These are the people that raise us from a young age. We depend on them for our survival. And when that support is lost or withdrawn, it’s very difficult for people to experience.”

Yunkie, who now has weekly therapy sessions, traces his mental health struggles back to his childhood. “My father was very strict on me,” he says. “That meant I needed to wake up every day, daven, learn, and be the best boy.”

The pressure left him feeling trapped. “He was pushing and I would never find a place. I wanted freedom, to be able to do my own things.”

When he was sent to Israel, the sense of instability intensified. “I was sleeping at my grandparents in the dining room. I had no privacy, no room of my own, no space. I felt I didn’t have any value. My stuff was sometimes taken out onto the balcony, so it all got wet. I felt very isolated and alone.”

But when he tried to express distress, it was reframed as religious inadequacy: “If I said I was struggling, they would say you need to learn more, daven more. They were never there for me emotionally. They got me someone to learn with. It wasn’t someone to talk with.” 

What he felt most acutely was the absence of warmth. “Love and affection was the main thing missing,” he says. “I never had a hug from my parents. I never had that affection.”

Yet leaving did not immediately bring the relief he’d expected. He felt disoriented and lonely. “I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it,” he says. “I did everything by myself. I was very isolated and had no friends.”

He also faced practical challenges he hadn’t anticipated. “I didn’t know how to dress. I’d go out wearing pyjamas, random clothes, not even fitting. I didn’t know anything about nothing. I was wearing one colour, everything the same colour. I didn’t know the difference.”

Navigating relationships with the opposite sex was especially difficult. “It was very hard for me to talk to girls.” He describes a constant fear of doing something wrong. “What do I do now? Maybe she likes me, maybe she doesn’t. What if I’m uncomfortable? What if by mistake I’m a pervert? It made me really careful – I didn’t want to be a pervert. But when girls were exposed, it affected me physically. It was hard to be around them.”

Yunkie now admits he was traumatised. “One hundred percent. But at the beginning I said I was fine. I fought it. I didn’t bring it up. But when I was in Israel, the trauma came back on a million. I felt completely overwhelmed and I didn’t know what to do. It felt like my brain got really hot and there was a ticking through my body.” 

At breaking point, he finally realised he needed help. He contacted Emily Green at GesherEU and was put in contact with a therapist. He now receives weekly psychotherapy. “I’m managing one week at a time,” he says.  

“You feel like you’re the crazy one. But you’re not crazy. Keep going.”

Clare emphasises that professional support is crucial for people who are struggling: “You would want a professional lawyer or accountant. You also want a professional mental health clinician helping you with low mood and anxiety.

“Gesher serves people who have done something massive – changing their whole lives. It’s scary to turn your whole life upside down and it can make you doubt yourself, doubt whether you did the right thing. You feel like you’re the crazy one. But you’re not crazy. Keep going.”

She employs an individualised approach, saying “treatment always has to be really personalised”. For some people, she uses Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), targeting negative beliefs and helping them to adapt them to make them healthier. She also offers specialist trauma and PTSD treatments, and techniques such as mindfulness.

The therapy GesherEU provides is, however, only part of what helps members with their recovery. “Gesher helped me see people like me,” Yunkie says. “I saw people who went through this and are in a much better state. We have similar struggles. That gave me courage.”

He has now built his own support network. “Most of my family now are friends I made over time. What I needed more than anything was family.”

*name changed to protect his identity

Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash