Sex, Love and Relationships in the Charedi World and Beyond

GesherEU’s first ever panel discussion event took place at Alyth Gardens on the evening of Thursday 24th October. Former members of the Charedi community joined a psychosexual therapist to discuss sex and relationships, confront taboos, prove conclusively that the ‘hole in the sheet’ myth is untrue, and offer practical advice.

Over 70 attendees were joined by the Mayor of Barnet, Rabbi and Councillor Danny Rich, for an evening of thought-provoking discussion, music (rising star and GesherEU member, Pini Brown, performed), and socialising. 

The panel featured Emily Green, GesherEU founder; Jean Miller, a psychosexual and relationship therapist; Izzy Posen, a Yiddish scholar and cultural advocate; and Ester Nitrate, who identifies as queer. 

Where there’s no consent it’s rape. And everybody is complicit

“In the Charedi community, there was no sex education and no concept of consent,” said Green. “When it came to the wedding night, obviously I didn’t know the person I was going to marry. We had met three times – that’s it – and I was nervous and physically shaking. I couldn’t enjoy the wedding. I wasn’t focused. I remember feeling when my parents left, I just want to go home with them or with anyone, just not to go home and be alone… and I don’t know what was going to happen.”

She explained she now finds it hard to go to Charedi weddings because she feels a sense of injustice. “I didn’t know the word then, and it’s a very loaded word, but where there’s no consent, it’s rape. And everybody is complicit.”

Miller, who has worked extensively with Jewish clients, described the emotional scars this silence can leave. She said common sexual difficulties experienced within the community include painful sex because of vaginismus or dyspareunia in women, or rapid ejaculation in men. These can be overcome with sex therapy. “Sex therapy focuses on pleasure,” she explained. “It encourages clients to consider the difference between sexual pleasure and sensual pleasure, rather than sex as a duty or performance. It encourages people to say no to anything they don’t want.”

I was lucky – I left before getting married

Posen shared his own story of growing up in a world where matchmaking begins at around 18 and marriages are often arranged after a single meeting. “By the time you meet the girl, it’s more or less a done deal,” he stated. “I was lucky — I left before getting married. Many don’t, and it’s much harder when children are involved.”

He also discussed the difficulties facing people who’ve left the community when they begin dating in the secular world. “I had my fair share of awkward experiences,” he recalled. “I remember one time when I was living in a shared accommodation with other students, and I went on a date with a housemate of mine. Because I was new to this, I assumed after the date that we were girlfriend and boyfriend, and I asked her to hold her hand. It was very awkward, and I had to continue living with that girl for a whole year.”

He added: “But clearly, I’ve learned something along the way. In less than two months time, I’ll be marrying my brilliant and wonderful fiancée. So this is why I thought I’d share some tips. My main tip would be, you have to put yourself out there. You have to go to singles events, go to dating events, go on dates, be in the awkwardness. It’s going to be awkward, and you will fail. But you can’t learn unless you try and fail.”

You don’t marry a man because you are attracted to him

 For Nitrate, who left the Charedi community aged just 16, learning about sex meant reading the dictionary. “On the page of the letter S, I got to the last word, and it said, ‘sexual intercourse’. Now, those were new words for me, so I read the definition – ‘when a man puts his penis into a woman’s vagina.’ I was confused. I was like, why would they do that? In the evening, when I was eating dinner, and my mum was serving me some chicken soup, I said, ‘Mummy, have you ever had sexual intercourse?’ She just dropped the ladle.”

Nitrate described the process of coming out as LGBTQ+  – she is asexual. “I was really excited. I was so, it felt so good to have a name for what I was feeling, to be able to express what I wanted to express. When I tried to come out to the adults in my life, I thought they would be really happy for me. But their reaction was, there is no such thing {as asexual}. You don’t marry a man or have a relationship with a man because you are attracted to him. You just do it because that’s what Hashem or God said you should do.”

There were several questions from the audience, ranging from the value of sex education and whether it should be segregated to if casual hookups were a good idea. As for that “hole in the sheet” myth – the claim that ultra-Orthodox couples have sex through a sheet:  “It’s not true,” said Posen. “That comes from people seeing tzitzit — prayer garments — on washing lines. But there are traditions about modesty during intimacy, like remaining partially covered.”